Ding Dongs and Duracells

This is what my son asked to put on the grocery list this week: Pez, batteries, and chocolate donuts. I asked if that’s all we needed from the store for the entire week—maybe we should add some milk, or some veggies—but he stuck to his guns. Pez, batteries, and chocolate donuts. Childhood obesity aside, you’ve gotta respect the kid’s whimsical outlook on life.

It reminds me of a story my mom likes to tell about how I tried to run away as a little kid. She told me I couldn’t run away because I didn’t know how to cook or tie my shoes. I said I’d eat cookies and wear loafers.

Cute, until you realize I was 12 and still couldn’t tie my shoes.

Anyway, there was a time, not too long ago, when I would’ve taken my son’s challenge and stocked the grocery cart with nothing but ding dongs and Duracells. Carpe diem, mother fuckers.

But I don’t carpe diem so much anymore. I’d like to say it’s because I’ve matured, but mostly it’s because I have to get up in the morning and spend a solid 12 hours catering to every whim of my two children. At about 6am, my kids will start asking me, “what are we going to do today, daddy?” I can hold them off with cartoons for a while, but by 7am, if I don’t have a firm plan for the day that includes a craft project and the slim possibility of them being able to pet a live lion, it’ll get “Lord of the Flies” up in here real quick.

I can remember the last time I seized the day. Actually, I can’t remember the actual seizing of the day, but I remember the day after, when I spent a significant amount of time throwing up loudly in the bathroom while my daughter cried outside the door, and repeatedly asked her brother, “what’s wrong with daddy?”

Yeah, that’ll fix any inclinations to carpe the fucking diem.

And let’s say I did some carpe diem-ing with my children, threw caution to the wind and fed the family chocolate donuts for breakfast, lunch, and snack. Do you know what happens when my kids skip their nap? The cat will get shaved.

These days, I have a new motto: Seize the tomorrow. Carpe, uh, tomorrow (sorry, the only Latin I know comes from Dead Poets Society). It takes copious amounts of planning, saving, resting, and monitoring of blood pressure levels to truly seize the tomorrow. Most of the time, I fall completely short, and only manage to seize the couch.

8 thoughts on “Ding Dongs and Duracells

  1. I can always count on your blog to make me laugh out loud…I’m pretty sure my son could live off of Cheetos and fruit snacks.

    • Thanks for reading it Cara. I hear you about the snacks. if I can figure out how to get protein and veggies into a goldfish cracker, I’ll be a wealthy man.

  2. Your stories are great!! I don’t have children right now, but I can relate from stories with my nieces and nephews! Keep up the great writing! And thanks for sharing!

  3. You are the most hilarious and solidly real breath of fresh air! I hope you get a movie contract someday! I laugh until I cry! Your posts are genius. I was a stay at home mom for years to two step children and my daughter. We are getting ready to take our daughter to NYU-Paris campus for her freshman year. I so wish I would have thought to write this stuff when they were all young. There was some funny crap there too, but as I think back. I think of writing a book about being a step monster (or so they thought) and all the fought fires and walking through hell, or so it seemed, but for some reason have never sat down to do it. Perhaps you will spur me to action! You are wonderful.

  4. Haha! Charlotte, who’s 2, has her own unique requests from the grocery store: monkeys, and boobies! Pretty sure I’d get in a whole heap of trouble if I carpe’d that diem 🙂

  5. Brilliant. EFFING BRILLIANT. “Cute, until you realize I was 12 and still couldn’t tie my shoes” hahahaha. It’s okay I couldn’t tell time until I was in sixth grade. I may or may not still struggle with it! 🙂

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