Ok, I know this is a negative topic and the world has enough negativity in it (See Fox News and MSNBC). But I’m stuck on a grounded airplane in 100-degree heat, so I feel like being negative right now. Tomorrow I’ll be in a better mood and I probably won’t hate any of these people. Except number 4. I’ll always hate number 4. So, here you go. People I hate right now.
1) People who read books in public. Fuck you and your free time. What, you have nothing better to do on a Tuesday at 2pm than sit in a coffee shop and read the Steve Jobs biography? Get a job.
2) People who close their eyes when they hug someone and hold on for longer than three seconds. A hug should be like taking a charge in basketball—contact should be brief and largely imagined. Better yet, why not just wave goodbye?
3) People who say, “I’m super picky about my falafel.”
4) Anyone wearing a scarf.
5) Parents who go to parenting workshops about conscious parenting. Stop trying so hard. I’m not even entirely sure what conscious parenting is, but I think it means being sober through the majority of your kid’s childhood, so count me out.
6) People who walk around the airport wearing their neck pillows. Is it really too heavy to carry in your hand?
7) Speaking of pillows, my wife hates people who insist on bringing their pillow from home when they travel. I totally agree with her, and I’ve never loved her more than when she’s bashing a complete stranger based on an insignificant detail like this.
8) People who upload Facebook photos of the vegetables they grew in their garden. Bravo, you planted a seed and watered it. I’m supposed to hit the “like” button for this? My toddlers can do this. And I’m not just bitter because everything I stick in the ground literally turns to dust. I’m not. I swear.
Please chime in. Tell me who you hate right now. And don’t say self-absorbed bloggers, because that’s too easy.
Daddy Drinks 
Daddy, I’ll tell you what really grinds my gears… People who Facebook post pictures of their car’s dashboard thermometers on hot and cold days. Where are you when it’s 82 degrees or 45 degrees out? Huh? Hey Al Rokers of the world, you only realize that temperature exists when your sweat glands start working? Well, what am I supposed to do with that information? Like it? No, I love knowing that you’re suffering and your ass is sticking to that leather interior. Because that’s really what taking a picture of your gauge cluster really means; it’s your passive-assholic way of saying “I drive an Audi with only 25,746 miles on the odometer, and all the things on my dashboard work right.” Yeah, we see that. We get it. Don’t bother sharing that pic because we have a pretty good idea that your functioning climate control system will solve all your little problems in a few moments anyway. I hope your cruise control breaks.
Hate up.
Beautiful anger, sir. Beautiful. As someone who doesn’t drive an Audi in working order (the only thing that works on my dash is the Check Engine light, which has been on since 2004) I share your anger.
I was thinking just this morning about complaining about people who complain on Facebook about people who complain on Facebook. Wtf else is it good for??
And as a scarf wearer, we are self-loathers. So it’s fitting that you hate us, too.
self-loathing scarf wearers! classic.
Anyone who ends a sentence with “I’m just sayin’.” You are never just sayin’, and usually whatever that phrase is following should never be “just said.” Same goes for people who start sentences with, “I don’t mean to sound like a total bitch, but…” But you do. Because you are.
I agree, and want to add ANY sentence that starts “I don’t mean to sound like a…” or “I’m not a (insert noun), but…”
or the great, “I mean no disrespect, but…”
I hate every asshole that calls my desk phone and leaves a message when they know that I look at my email every 10 fucking seconds and then they bitch that I didn’t call them back. Fuck you… come into the modern era.
I hate assholes that refuse to respond to phone calls and settle a fairly simple problem over the phone. Instead they choose to handle the problem by responding to a series of increasingly confusing emails, over the course of several hours, when a simple phone call could have fixed everything in less than a minute. Email is cool, but come out of the cave and talk a human being every now and then. It’s kind of nice out here.
I hate people that kill my working time asking me to settle fairly simple problems. Mails or phone, i don’t care. Those problems can be solved by them or will be solved in such a short time that i’d rather continue to check my fb newsfeed scrolling than start to solve that detail, man. Did that company hire me and give me that salary to be annoyed by your shit ? The only projects i am ok to work on are mine. Give me a problem, i’ll write immense amounts of reports to explain to everyone how to solve it.
Then solve it yourself. I make concepts. Earth to earth work is for less payed people.
I hate people who bitch about things that are their fault. Like speeding tickets. The sign IS your warning. That’s why God invented speedometers. Or overdraft fees. You don’t like overdraft fees? Don’t spend more than you have. All it says to me when someone bitches about that is that they can’t count. Or don’t own a calculator. Or just want every time they fuck up to be someone else’s fault.
I have never in my life responded to some kind of twitter online tell-us-what-you-think poll, but there was a question on NBC’s website yesterday (the Olympics made me go there, don’t judge) about travel pet peeves and my fingers could not get to the keyboard fast enough to fire off a response about people walking around in the airport with those neck pillows on their necks, or WORSE, carrying their own pillow from home. Except that I added that the greater offense is neck pillow+home pillow+pajama pants with ANY cartoon character on them+slippers. Which I saw in Charlotte last month. Life is short and don’t sweat the small stuff and all that, but seriously? PUT ON REAL PANTS WHEN YOU FLY IN AN AIRPLANE.
So anyway, we have that in common.
Two kinds of people I hate right now:
People who have beige items in their closets and then wear them ALL at once, …while they are out walking their beige colored dog.
People who can’t park their stupid grocery carts at the side of the frikin’ aisle! Or, the shopping groups who insist on walking three abreast down the aisle at about 5 feet per decade.
People who can’t manage to learn the difference between “you’re” and “your.” Or “their” and “there.”
Any female who speaks with “vocal fry.” It’s like fingernails on a blackboard.
Telephone survey/sales/political callers who start out by asking me, “And how are you today, Ms. Cleaver?” Cut the crap. You don’t give a flying fart how I am. (I wrote a 3-part blog about this.)
I’m back… I just keep reading and each post is funnier than the last, so I’m gonna be following your blog.
I am so completely fed up with people who are too damn lazy to walk/stand so they have to drive around the grocery store in those damn motorized chairs. Leave them for those who really need them ok!!!!
Oh my fucking god don’t get me started on public pajama pant wearers!
Here are some more idiots:
– people who stand still on moving sidewalks in airports
– people who don’t know when it is their turn to go at a four way intersection
– fat teenagers who smoke
– people who get massive soon to be meaningless tattoos
– people who use one letter to substitute for an actual word when writing an e-mail or text
– women with really long fingernails or men with nails of any length at all
– people who don’t hold the door for the next person behind them
– people who compare being a pet owner to being a parent
– people who read 50 Shades of Grey and Vampire novels in public
– cashiers who don’t know how to calculate your change when you give them the coins after they have already punched $20.00 into the cash register.
I’m deeply with you on #5. I don’t want to hear about your negotiations with the 4 year old. Tell the kid the choice is this or nothing. Those people probably never made “Goodnight Gorilla” the favorite bed time story b/c it has no words and sometimes when mommy has had a bottle of wine, it’s hard to read books with words.
Oh man, I love this post, even though wearing scarfs and reading books in public make me feel hip and smart. I would add most people on Facebook (something I recently wrote a post about) and people who say they like every music but country music (another recent post of mine). So glad I found your blog — I appreciate a well-written rant more than anything. And as for the one about your wife — that’s exactly what I hope someone says about me one day. My ability to rant about complete strangers most people just call judgmental, but some people really are just asking for it.
I confess to being a pillow-bringer. I can’t function without sleep, and I can’t sleep on a horrible pillow.
So I guess I hate people who put crappy pillows in their guest rooms.
I can’t stand people who read 50 Shades books.
This is just too funny to not respond too!! Loving your blog man, keep it coming!
Hate is a strong word but right now I hate people who think they are always right even when they KNOW they are wrong. It’s like, shut up and take in the correct information, it’s for your own good damn it! akh…
I don’t know exactly what I hate right now, but I know I love this thread, starting with the original thought.
Will be following you…
And I just came across this by searching for ‘Johnny Cash Finger’ – I love Google!!