You’ve probably noticed a slight gap in my posting schedule for this blog. Like, a two month gap. There are several reasons why a person who blogs about the shenanigans that ensue when a man-child is put in charge of real children on a daily basis. Here are the Top 5 Reasons Why Daddy Drinks Went MIA.
1) Coma: After an innocent pillow fight turned tragic, I fell into a coma for the last two months. Don’t feel sorry for me—I spent the time dreaming that I was the seventh cast member of Friends. It was lovely.
2) Sugar Crash: During the holidays, the kids lived entirely on candy and hot chocolate. Since January 1st, I’ve spent 18 hours a day mitigating the massive withdrawal symptoms that occur when you force two five-year-olds to quit sugar cold turkey. It hasn’t been pretty.
3) Lego Bender: The kids got so many Lego sets for Christmas, I’ve been hold up in the basement for the last two months putting together multi-colored block cafes, fire trucks, and helicopters. I didn’t even break for the Olympics. I drank protein shakes and wore a catheter. As soon as I’d finish a model, my son would begin deconstructing it. It was like some weird, tragic performance art.
4) Work: I took a job as the Drink editor for Paste Magazine and liquor and beer started showing up on my doorstep at an alarming rate. At the same time, I put up a zip line in the backyard for the kids. Booze and zip lining don’t mix. See reason 1) Coma, above.
5) It was ski season.
6) Bonus Reason: Shit hit the fan after I bought my wife a vacuum for Christmas. At first, she was all like, “oh, honey, I love it!” But then she casually started telling me about all the great gifts her other friends got from their husbands for Christmas (“did you Tim gave Julie a necklace? Isn’t that wild?”) then started vacuuming up various personal items of mine. I just now pulled all my computer keys from the vacuum bag.
You choose the reason for my absence. Believe what you want. The important thing is, Daddy Drinks is back—“Daddier” and “Drinkier” than ever. I’ll catch you up on what’s happened in the last two months in the next post. Hint: there is a zip line involved, and the tooth fairy, and booze.
Oh Daddy Drinks, I was really concerned during your absence – nice to see that the neighborhood bears didn’t get you.
I like imagining you catheterized and holed up in the basement surrounded by Legos, but, then again, I’m weird. Welcome back!
That’s certainly the happiest scenario javaj240. Thanks for reading!
Better than the coma, I think.
Welcome back !
Hey Daddy Drinks, so what will the next season of Friends featuring you as the seventh one will be? Welcome back and take care!
Next season of Friends has a number of “very special episodes,” and fist fights between Ross and the seventh cast member. Thanks for reading!
Thank god you are back! I was going through DD withdrawals.
I appreciate that. More DD to come!
We missed you!!
Thanks. It’s nice to be missed!
“As soon as I’d finish a model, my son would begin deconstructing it. It was like some weird, tragic performance art.”
I feel this pain. Daily. My son’s current favorite phrase, “Dadda, now make THIS one…”
Glad you are back! Do you think there’s a connection between Lego blocks and writer’s block?
Glad you are blogging again! I had almost stopped checking for updates
Thanks for hanging with me!