Ever since I became a dad, I’ve spent countless hours wondering what the fuck is going on inside my children’s heads. Okay, maybe not hours. Minutes. Lots of minutes. Because kids are weird. They do weird shit. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think my kids are any weirder than your kids. They talk to squirrels and pretend to be watermelons and will only eat food that’s orange—but from what I understand, that’s standard operating procedure for an American four year old. I’m proud to say my kids are normal weird.
Still, I want to know what they’re thinking. Call it simple curiosity, call it an attempt to better understand my offspring.
Now that the kids are starting to learn how to draw, I’m finally getting a window into their complex minds. So far, it’s fucking scary in there.
Take my daughter. Cute as hell. Likes to wear dresses and put pink ribbons in her hair. If you asked her what her favorite activity is, she’d probably say petting the kitty. Typical girl shit. She’s made of sugar and spice and everything nice, right?
Apparently not. Now that she has the motor skills to draw, does she draw rainbows? Stick figures holding hands in a meadow? No. She keeps drawing these really disturbing monsters with exaggerated fangs. The picture above, on the chalkboard, is a family of potato monsters. She also draws pumpkin monsters. Kitty monsters. Flower monsters. They all have the same happy but crazed look to them. The kind of monsters that are singing a song about butterflies one minute, then trying to give the neighbor’s dog a juice box enema (which pretty much describes my daughter, too).
The kids do a lot of art projects at school, so I know it’s only a matter of time before the teacher pulls me aside with one of my little Picasso’s creations and asks why on earth, would she draw a picture of a potato monster drinking moonshine and puking butterflies?
For the record, I don’t even serve potatoes in my house.
Meanwhile, all my son will draw is rainbows, which makes sense, because I’m pretty sure it’s just a bunch of bright colors bouncing around the inside of his brain. Just like his dad.
Daddy Drinks 
Awesome. Perfectly beautifully monstrously awesome.
PS: You will NEVER understand what’s going on in there.
You’re probably right. Ok, you’re definitely right.
Keep all that artwork! It’ll be fun to whip out an album on prom night to embarrass her.
I love the monsters, and like most adults you are mercifully incapable of comprehending the weirdness of the developing mind. Not that I would want to see a lot of what goes on in adults minds either. I think it is just a good idea to leave the light off in there and hope the monsters don’t get out.
When my son was around that age, we would drive by cemetaries, and he would comment, “That’s where they keep the bones.” Another time he totally freaked me out when he told me this story about a family that had lived in a house down the street from ours, and how they had been murdered. I asked him how he knew this, and he said, “Because the little boy told me so.” Freaked me out!!
yeah, that’s a little freaky. how is it our kids can be cute and creepy all at the same time?
Not sure, but I wish that would transfer into adulthood!! lol
So these are the fun things I have to look forward to? Remind me not to ask questions when they drop little nuggets of fear inducing brain capacity. Smile, nod, and find the closest drink to wash it away.