Frank and Beans


Something I never thought I’d have say to another person: “Dude, put your pants on. You’re gonna burn your penis.”

Because most nights, my son wants to help me cook dinner. But some nights, he doesn’t want to wear clothes. As if trying to keep all of his fingers off of the hot stove wasn’t enough, now I’ve got another appendage to worry about. I’m not sure why the kid likes to be naked, but from what I can tell from informal surveys, it’s a universal issue with preschool boys. I mean, I get it. Penises are fun, why wouldn’t you want to just hang out with it? But I’m getting a little tired of looking out the window, and seeing my kid with his pants down in the front yard…peeing on the fence…waving at the neighbors.

Sure, he’s young enough now for the little old ladies walking their dogs by our house to laugh it off. But the kid’s getting older. It’ll go from awkwardly cute to awkwardly illegal pretty damn quick.

I blame my wife, who insists that his predilection for nudity is perfectly normal for a boy his age. Maybe. But I’m skeptical; she wasn’t raised with the sexual hang-ups and body guilt that have made the fully-functioning adult that I am today. I had the benefit of being raised in both a traditional Southern household and a Catholic household. In my mind, anything you do naked is a mortal sin. Even taking a shower requires three Hail Mary’s. We thought the Jesus statue at our church was a little risqué. I mean, why can’t he wear a t-shirt?

So I’m doing my best to negate my wife’s well-adjusted approach to innocent nudity and instill the same hang-ups in my children that I enjoyed. I may permanently fuck them up emotionally and psychologically, but at least I’ll avoid having to explain a second-degree burn to my son’s Frank and Beans to the suspicious ER doctor…and subsequent Social Services advocate.

8 thoughts on “Frank and Beans

  1. I remember talking to another dad one day. His boys (about kindergarten age) were in the play area, and all of a sudden they started whipping off their shirts while running around. Dad jumped into action and got their shirts back on. I didn’t think much of it, but afterwards he told me that they were starting to go into “naked party mode.” Crisis averted. Good eyes, dad.

  2. The other day my son pulled his pants down in his car seat on the way home from daycare. When we got home he mooned me saying, “Mommy look!” When I asked him why he pulled down his pants, he said it was because he wanted to have a party. He’s 4. I’m having nightmares about what kind of parties he’s going to want when he’s a teenager.

    • Awesome. I have a friend who’s son likes to play butt tag. He sneaks up on someone, pulls his pants down, and smacks his butt against that person. So at least your kid isn’t that kid!

  3. At my sister’s wedding December, one of our cousins’ almost 2 yr old ran out the church on to the lawn and pulled his pants down, apparently sprinkling the lawn. just before the bride took the stage… classic moment! Cousin running, people giggling… Bride did not even notice so the day was saved! hahahhaha! Oh what a bore life would be without these little people!

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