Like Cinderella, God Damn It!


There’s a whole bunch of unreasonable going on in my house right now. Here’s a snippet of a real “conversation” I had with my daughter last night.

“Daddy. Daddy. Daddydaddydaddy. Watch me dance. Daddy, watch me dance. Are you watching me dance? Daddy STOP WATCHING ME DANCE!”

She went from zero to Bat-Shit within a single breath. That has to be some sort of a record.

My daughter will literally eat an entire hotdog while telling me how much she hates hotdogs. And my son is no better. He will only eat food cooked on the grill (not in the oven) and drink from a green cup. Sometimes I give him a blue cup just to watch him lose his shit.

I think there’s a clinical term for what my kids are. I read it in a parenting article once…what’s the phrase…oh yeah, it’s called FUCKING CRAZY!

One night, my daughter threw an unbelievable tantrum as she was going to bed. I kept trying to cover her up with a blanket, but she kept screaming, “No, like Cinderella!” then she’d kick the blanket off the bed and scream as if she was on fire. “Like Cinderella, like Cinderella, like Cinderella…!” After 45 minutes of her thrashing around my wife and I finally figured out that she wanted the blanket to be draped over her slowly by helpful little birds like in Cinderella.

Are you fucking kidding me? She wants me to train wild birds to tuck her in at night! Thanks Walt Disney. It wasn’t pretty when I explained the limitations of domesticating certain animals. She didn’t take it well.

A lot of people compare raising young children to hanging out with drug addicts, or alcoholics, or schizophrenics because of the irrational behavior and wild mood swings. I think those people aren’t giving drug addicts enough credit. Sure, they’ll take money from your purse when you’re not looking and often spread hepatitis, but not even Charlie Sheen on his worst bender would expect you to manipulate woodland creatures into becoming house servants. That’s a special kind of crazy reserved for three-year-olds.

People, please share the most unreasonable thing your child does so that I know I’m not alone in this world.


21 thoughts on “Like Cinderella, God Damn It!

  1. I hate to tell you this but mine is 16 and still has unreasonable expectations AND employs crazy-ass circular logic AND goes from “zero to batshit”, as you so eloquently put it, in 3.2 seconds (If only they had “Top Gear” here in the US, she’d surely be a star on that program! Because nothing changes gears faster than my kid— nothing!).

    We just had an “interesting” “discussion” not five minutes ago regarding black socks. I’ll spare you the gory details, but suffice it to say that it was neither “interesting” nor a “discussion”. I can’t remember the crazy shit she engaged in at 3 because it has been constantly replaced by increasingly bizarre behavior as she has matured (HA!).

    Today woodland creatures tucking her in, tomorrow sock-thickness meltdowns. It’s a fun ride, isn’t it?

  2. Three year olds are all hideous. Even nice children go over to the dark side when they’re three. I can’t actually remember any examples now when I actually want to remember them because they were obviously all so traumatic I blocked them out of my mind for ever.
    Anyway, I sympathise.

  3. Well, maybe they get it from their uncle. I still vividly remember a bedtime tantrum when he was early three. I was sitting on the side of his bed and rubbing his back when he started crying because my legs weren’t crossed right. It got worse and worse as I contorted myself in all sorts of directions to get those legs crossed “right.” Never succeeded. Wish I’d had the word “bat shit” then 🙂 At least you figured out the solution to your problem- woodland creatures, but then your daughter has one more years worth of language skills on board than he did! Good luck from Grandma who knows her little angel would never resort to such awful behavior.

  4. You are NOT alone in this world. You just made me feel better. Thank you. I laughed. Is that okay? My kids are older (I’m guessing) at 8 & 10, but I still struggle with the stupidity and started a blog to decompress from it. Help is on the way…

  5. My five year old loses her shit UTTERLY, magnificently and loudly if I put her hair in a bun. Ponytails, pigtails, braids all fine. A bun aka a ponytail not pulled all the way through the hair loop? Batshit meltdown with tears, red face and accompanying slurs.

  6. You would never think that taking a shower and brushing your teeth at night would be the equivalent of a unanimous presidential election in this house. Guess again. And they are 8 and 10…

  7. Yesterday, I was contending with the trickery of the teenage girl. We were at her dance recital last night. After the performance, she asked me how she did. I said fabulous, because it was. Is that all you have to say? she scowled. Every time she speaks, I feel like I’m on Candid Camera. You can never get it right.

  8. mine’s not quite 2 yet. so far the only time the crazy comes out is if i break her cereal bar in half before giving it to her. and that’s still kinda cute.

    depressing to realize it’s all downhill from here.

    *heads off to add some bourbon to the morning coffee*

  9. You are NOT alone! I have three kids of my own that are currently 6, 5 and 4. We also babysit my niece every day, she’s not so bad, she’s only 6 months old. My 4 year old son is by far the worst, but my 6 year old daughter is not far off. My son will scream about literally ANYthing he can think of. And he tortures his older sisters, which sets the oldest one off even worse. I love them dearly, but sometimes I’m convinced the only term for them is bat-shit crazy.

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  11. I thought my 4 year old twins were the only ones who go bat-shit crazy now and then. My daughter does this thing where she wants something, mumbles it and then expects you to psychicly guess what it is she wants coz she then shut up like a clam and googly eyes you. Its freaky!
    My son will go “mommymommymommymommy” for no reason. Even if I ask what it is that he wants. He just smiles and walks away.
    I think they’re trying to make me lose it on purpose!

  12. Yes, I visit preschool Crazyland on a regular basis. PB&J not delicately cut in the shape of a train? Grilled cheese made at home that is not created like the one that my child experienced ONE TIME during a chance stop at Denny’s? Trying for six months to give away that one Thomas shirt that’s three sizes too small, despite my child’s insistence that long sleeve shirts are SUPPOSED to stop at the elbows? All reasons for a Mach 5 meltdown. Everyone tells you their massive emotional meltdowns get better around 4, but I’m not seeing it.

  13. When Will and I were three I did fun stuff like lock him in the chest freezer because we were eating mom’s freezer preserves and he was small enough to get in to reach them….. Cut his very long beautiful hair at the scalp line, with my safety scissors so it made sense, and then because I knew I was gonna be in trouble super glued, oh yes model glue, it back on. 😉 Then there was the time we flooded the house with the bathtub because we were arguing over who was turning off the hot water. It could always be worse…..

  14. I have a 4 year old daughter. She goes bat shit when I do not wrap her in a “very hungry caterpillar” with her bath towel. She does the same thing with her favorite blanket at nap and bed. Took me a minute to figure it out, and I asked if she wanted to be warped in a cocoon??? To which she sobbed, “YEEESSSSSSS! I WANNA BE A BEEEEEEEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!!!!” Oh, is that all? WTF? Lol.

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