Name Envy

Every time I hit the park with the kids, I come away with name envy. Nobody under the age of 10 is named Jack or Suzie anymore. At our neighborhood playground, we’re swinging with kids named Stellar and Finger. Magic and Fellow. Seriously, I know a kid named Mars. We take gymnastics with Fate and Beta. Beta! How cool is that? My wife and I took a more traditional route in the name department, although, we did name our son after the dog. That’ll be fun to explain when he’s old enough. (Does anyone know what age is the right age to tell your child they were named after a golden retriever?) Cooper’s a great name, but is it as great as Fast-track Johnny? Is Addie Shore as memorable as Skittle?

Before I had kids, I thought parents were setting their kids up for failure by choosing outlandish names. Can you imagine a woman named Pickle leading a business seminar? Or a dude named Nintendo running for Congress? And let’s face it, if you name your girl Glitter or Champagne, she’s going to be a stripper. That’s a scientific fact.

But now, I say the wilder the name the better. It’s actually a little shocking that it’s taken so long for our names to evolve into the awesomeness that we have today. (Does anyone out there have a kid named Awesome?) Why stick to tradition? Instead of naming your kid after a beloved relative, name your kid after the thing you love most. You love canned meat? Name your kid Spam. Or Vienna. Of course, if I had followed that rule, I’d have twins named TV and Budweiser…which would be awesome. Everyone loves TV and I guarantee you that a boy named Budweiser would never get picked on in school.

Really, all you’re doing when you name your kid Pabst, is taking the opportunity to tell the world just how cool you are. I get it. Sometimes, the ironic t-shirt and mustache just aren’t enough. You need to take it a step further and name your son Singlespeed. Well how about just cutting to the chase and name your kid after the sexual position used during conception. Talk about honesty in advertising. The world would know immediately what you’re into, no bumper stickers necessary. Introduce the neighbors to your daughter named Missionary, and they’ll know you’ll be voting Republican this November and probably won’t be having any late night parties. But strut your son named Wheelbarrow around the company picnic, and colleagues will envy your sense of adventure.

Probably best to keep that kid named Orgy under wraps though.

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45 thoughts on “Name Envy

  1. We have twin girls, Sailor Newton and Briar Nolan. Newton was the name of my husband’s Lab. She gets a kick out of it! Nolan was his mother’s maiden name and Briar feels short-changed that she was not named after a pet.

  2. Of course, if you can’t bring yourself to choose an outlandish name, you can always resort to ridiculous SPELLING. Why have another Emily when you could have an Emmahlea?

    • No kidding, my maiden name is horrible (Head), and I had an uncle named Richard. Yup…..and my father’s name is John. So, I am starting to think their parents just didn’t like them. To name one inevitably, “Dick Head” and the other with names that represent places to take a deuce. It is a good thing my father was a deadbeat….and that my mom named me. Though I was named after a song. 🙂

  3. Glad I’m not the only one who figured out certain names would automatically render one’s career choices limited to hooker or pole dancer. Not that these are necessarily bad, I think we should leave the career path to develop a bit more organically, though…

  4. I assume this thread will inevitably result in a compilation of everyone’s weirdest names: went to school with a girl named Miracle, worked with a guy who named his daughter Princess, and my daughter now has a classmate named Blessing. It appears that I may be more sheltered by living in the bible belt than I previously imagined…

  5. My daughter goes to school with a kid named Lingerie. I’m serious. I don’t even want to think about what may have prompted this choice. I like to think that she will find a soulmate named Budoir.

  6. You are so funny! My kids have normal, old-fashioned names… Arthur, Russell and Laura. I live in Lalla land, so you can imagine the names of my kids’ classmates. And why oh why would someone name their kid Skylar? I know a boy and a girl with that name. I don’t get it. Moon Unit sounds better.

  7. Yep, I have a family member named Maximus. If I ever run into a kid named Threesome, I’m gonna wanna take a gander at the parents. But who knows, maybe he (or she) was named after the family dog, too. But that begs the question, who named the the family dog?

  8. My 10 month old daughter is in daycare and there was a new baby in the infant room the other day. I asked what his name was – and then I said “Oh like Aspen with an E.” I got an Oh NO back from the worker. The kids name is spelled ESPN and they capitalize EVERY letter.

  9. Worked with a girl with the last name of Born. She named her first man child, First Born and her next daughter American Born. Also know of a Chrystal Chanda Lear. Teachers must love to get to know their students and then have the task of learning how to correctly spell all their various names

  10. Son, you’ve really opened a can of worme’ (s) this time. Your mom and I just finished reading the blog and the replies with tears of laughter in our eyes. And to think, you and Liz suffered such family angst over the twin’s names. I thank you for being so conservative, at least with the names. I mean, Coop could have been Mini Cooper (now there’s a fight daily for sure) and Addie could have been Addie Gulf Shores or Addie Myrtle.

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  12. Even regular names can be problematic when you are dealing with weirdos. Try growing up with the name Alexa. Somehow that ‘EX’ combination gets people’s wheels turning. It was awkward as a child to be told by many an adult my name was sexy.

  13. funny stuff, love this post, our son is called Jack but when i wrote on this topic in the past and was searching the internet for funny examples my favourite was Mr and Mrs Bacon who named thier son Christopher Peter, normal enough right but then they are not the ones filling in forms for the rest of thier life as Chris P Bacon

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  15. We have done both traditional and outlandish with our kids. I don’t post our kids names on my blog, so suffice it to say our daughter’s name has 9 letters, 2 are capitals and only 1 “real” vowel lol Our son has a Biblical first name and his great-grandmother Scottish family name as his middle name. Unfortunately for him, we are now stationed at an Army post of the same name, so we often get weird looks when we have to “use the middle name” on him while on post LOL

  16. A friend once told me that twin babies were named O-range-jell-o and Le-mon-jell-o, accents on the 2nd and 4th syllables (dashes are mine to help you give it that comic flow). Do you think he was having me on?

  17. I worked with a kid named Obedience, that she was nothing like the meaning of name. My mum worked for Birth Deaths and Marriages and she seen so many funny ones. One person named their kind all the colours of the rainbow, Red Blue Violet Yellow.

  18. Oh and it’s not only the names, but the spellings that get me. My friend told me of this girl she knows who named her son “my son” but of course spelled Mison so that you know…it’s acceptable. And her daughter, ‘my lady” spelled Miladi. Awesome sauce.

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