Once you get used to having your baby strapped to your chest like a kangaroo, you’ll fall in love with the freedom that comes with hands-free parenting. (New marketing slogan for Baby Bjorn: Baby Bjorn, it’s like Bluetooth for your baby). Soon, you’ll begin to wonder if there’s anything you can’t do with your baby in a chest carrier. The answer is yes. There are things you can’t, or shouldn’t, do. Here are four.
First Person Shooter Games
Playing Wii tennis with a baby in the Bjorn: Cute.
Playing Call of Duty with the baby in the Bjorn: call social services.
Know the line and never cross it.
This might sound like a no-brainer to most of you, but I actually had visions of skiing with my kid strapped to my chest. What’s even more disturbing, I’ve seen videos of other parents doing this very thing. The same rules apply for roller blading, ice skating, mountain biking…I think you could get away with nine holes of golf without doing any permanent damage though.
Cook Over an Open Flame
Okay, I’ve done this. A lot. And it can be a bit of a gray area. I’d say if you’re working with a charcoal grill, you’re relatively safe. But anything with compressed gas is questionable. Considering the number of times I’ve almost blown myself up trying to light my damn grill, it’s amazing my kids have lived to the ripe age of 2.5.
Flirt With a Woman Who’s Not Your Wife
Not even if the kid on your chest is sleeping. Have some class. Put the kid in his stroller and pull the sun shade down before you hit on the lonely stay-at-home mom at the playground.
I’d like to add anything in the garage or woodshop to that list. Not saying they can’t be there in a pack-n-play to watch daddy work, but the baby carrier is a bad idea. My general rule of thumb during the Bjorn Years was: “If the kid gets hurt while I’m doing this, will I end up on the evening news?” Because kids get hurt all the time. But it’s the ones who do so while strapped to the chest of a negligent parent who get film at 11.