Here’s my beef with organic grocery stores: They’re filled with people who aren’t in a hurry.

The success of my day hinges on the fact that every other person I’m gonna encounter during the course of that day is running just as late as I am. The other drivers on the road, the teller at the bank, the washing machine repairman, the mothers at Story Time…the whole world needs to have the singular goal of getting through the task at hand and moving on to the next line in the to-do list. It’s as simple as that. And it all falls apart when I have to “dash” into the organic grocery store at the bottom of my neighborhood for an emergency six pack of beer…er, uh, gallon of milk.

Because this is the one place in 21st century America where nobody is in a hurry. Everyone is content to simply “enjoy the moment,” which sounds fantastic until that beatific state of being comes between you and making it home to set your DVR to record Vampire Diaries in time.

These people mosey between aisles and contemplate the ingredients of soup. It’s soup. Sodium and water. That’s it. Just get the cheapest chicken noodle like the rest of us. And to the dude with the ukelele slung over your shoulder–stop lingering over the cheese samples. It’s not a buffet. And when the check out girl asks you how you’re doing, don’t give a thoughtful response that links your mood with the current state of alternative energy subsidies. Just buy your $30 worth of locally-sourced pimento cheese and get on with your day, kind sir.