Santa’s a Dick

I’m not talking about the real Santa. I’ve got nothing against him. He’s always treated me fairly, so much respect. I’m talking about the Santa in the classic Christmas movie “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” I just watched that film again for the first time in years with my kids, and I want to punch that guy.

The other reindeer get a bad rap for not letting Rudolph play in their reindeer games, but Santa’s just as prejudiced, shunning Rudolph from birth because of his red nose. Discrimination is institutionalized in the North Pole, from the top down.

And when the weather turns to soup and Santa can’t see in front of his beer belly, he turns to that bright nosed freak, but does Santa apologize? Does he say, “Hey Rudolph, sorry I was such a douche and cast you aside all these years. Maybe I should be more sensitive to those who don’t quite fit in, especially since I have a bowl full of freaking jelly and pimp around the world in a sleigh, you know?”

Uh, no. Sadly, Rudolph rolls over like some punk and guides that dick’s sleigh. Bullshit. I’d like to see a total rewrite where Santa and all the North Pole upper management take some diversity sensitivity training. I’d like to see Rudolph do some more hard-nosed negotiating (pun!). Maybe Santa pulls the sleigh for a while and Rudolph gets to whip the hell out of his fat ass for a change.

I’m disappointed Santa. I turn to the TV not just to entertain my kids when I’m too tired, but to teach them morality and ethics too. I don’t want them to grow up thinking you can fire someone just because they’re different. They need to learn you have to frame that different person for stealing. That’s basic Business 101.

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2 thoughts on “Santa’s a Dick

  1. Tell it, brother! My 3-year-old can’t stop watching that show, and you’re right about Santa. I was thinking the same thing. What a jagoff. But I have to say that Donner is worse. He’s Rudolph’s father, and he shuns the poor little guy right out of the damn womb because of the nose that some would even say it glows. Seriously, that’s Rudolph’s dad, and the first thing he does is smudge dirt allover the fawn’s face to hide the nose. Next, he’s slapping a prosthetic black nose on Rudolf to help him hide his terrible secret under the guise of “maintaining self-respect.” Yeah, those are his own words. What the fuck, dad? Then he has the unmitigated gall to act surprised when his son runs away with a gay elf who’s being shunned for his adoption of the dentist’s lifestyle?

    Now we can talk about that psychopath Hermie. Yukon Cornelius drops a rock on the Abominable Snowman’s head in classic comic tradition and then turns his back for maybe 15 seconds. The camera pans back the yeti, and all all we see is Hermie with a pair of pincer pliers, standing on top of a pile of teeth — like an ad for the Saddam Hussein Torture Dungeon School of Dentistry. Give Hermie 2 more minutes alone with the snowman, and we would’ve been watching a special holiday episode of Dexter.

    It’s no wonder our generation has made CSI such a successful franchise.

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